The LORD orchestrates my days.
Although it would be easy to discount schedule changes as random, I choose to give God the credit. Before hurtful words were spoken, sending me into an emotional tail-spin, God moved a ministry appointment for me. He cleared my away-from-home tasks and granted me time to heal, to find new perspective, time to Breathe.
When it comes to language and relationship, I am quite literal. I mean what I say and say what I mean. [Of course, I joke around, but I work to make my insincerity abundantly clear.] I hold fast to the idea that words are powerful, although limited, and I press myself to speak truth at all times. I plumb the depths of my motives, my knowledge, my perspective. I search for words that are clear, precise. [I wish that others would be as careful.]
When new relationships are ambiguous or slow to sink into a solid foundation, building trust is a big challenge for me. If others don't use language to be clear about their thoughts and feelings, how can I know, without a doubt, what they think and feel? [I don't try to be a straight-faced sour-puss all the time; but when forming a new relationship, I need to know the parameters, the boundaries, the truth. From this base I find my equilibrium, my balance in new territory.]
What bothered me most was feeling like I didn't fit in, didn't meet expectations. I felt singled-out, my weakness exposed in screaming yellow, seen as a Fool in front of strangers. But, I most feared being found insufficient in front of my husband – the one person I deeply long to be treasured by. [One of the most amazing things about LOVE is that it Covers – weaknesses, blemishes, imperfections, immaturity. LOVE says, 'I see those things, but I see Beyond them, too. I see the Real you, but also your Grand Potential.'] I feared that he would believe what another woman suggested about me – even if she barely knows me. [I need to trust in him and his love, trust that his knowledge of me is strong enough to withstand petty attacks.]
So I ran, protected myself with quietness. But I worried that her seeds of doubt may take root in my darling's heart. I cast about all day, hugging my accomplishments and abilities to my chest in desperate flailing to be found worthwhile, worthy of love, to salve my wounds. I waited for time to pass, heal. I risked reaching for reassurance. [I am so thankful that I can ask 'stupid' questions of my Lover and he can laugh my fears away, erasing anxiety, pushing those seeds out of my heart dirt and over the rocks where they will dry and die.]
Today, I am more able, willing, to minister to another because my heart is reset, replenished. Yesterday, I thirsted for clear refreshment, for pure love, for being treasured. Today, I am more secure. Thank you, Bryce. Thank you, Jesus.
