Divine Intervention

The LORD orchestrates my days.

Although it would be easy to discount schedule changes as random, I choose to give God the credit. Before hurtful words were spoken, sending me into an emotional tail-spin, God moved a ministry appointment for me. He cleared my away-from-home tasks and granted me time to heal, to find new perspective, time to Breathe.

When it comes to language and relationship, I am quite literal. I mean what I say and say what I mean. [Of course, I  joke around, but I work to make my insincerity abundantly clear.] I hold fast to the idea that words are powerful, although limited, and I press myself to speak truth at all times. I plumb the depths of my motives, my knowledge, my perspective. I search for words that are clear, precise. [I wish that others would be as careful.]

When new relationships are ambiguous or slow to sink into a solid foundation, building trust is a big challenge for me. If others don't use language to be clear about their thoughts and feelings, how can I know, without a doubt, what they think and feel? [I don't try to be a straight-faced sour-puss all the time; but when forming a new relationship, I need to know the parameters, the boundaries, the truth. From this base I find my equilibrium, my balance in new territory.]

What bothered me most was feeling like I didn't fit in, didn't meet expectations. I felt singled-out, my weakness exposed in screaming yellow, seen as a Fool in front of strangers. But, I most feared being found insufficient in front of my husband – the one person I deeply long to be treasured by. [One of the most amazing things about LOVE is that it Covers – weaknesses, blemishes, imperfections, immaturity. LOVE says, 'I see those things, but I see Beyond them, too. I see the Real you, but also your Grand Potential.'] I feared that he would believe what another woman suggested about me – even if she barely knows me. [I need to trust in him and his love, trust that his knowledge of me is strong enough to withstand petty attacks.]

So I ran, protected myself with quietness. But I worried that her seeds of doubt may take root in my darling's heart. I cast about all day, hugging my accomplishments and abilities to my chest in desperate flailing to be found worthwhile, worthy of love, to salve my wounds. I waited for time to pass, heal. I risked reaching for reassurance. [I am so thankful that I can ask 'stupid' questions of my Lover and he can laugh my fears away, erasing anxiety, pushing those seeds out of my heart dirt and over the rocks where they will dry and die.]

Today, I am more able, willing, to minister to another because my heart is reset, replenished. Yesterday, I thirsted for clear refreshment, for pure love, for being treasured. Today, I am more secure. Thank you, Bryce. Thank you, Jesus.

Money = Commitment

For those of you that don't know this about me, spending money is a commitment to what is purchased and its implications.

For example, I have not yet purchased a light set for my bike. Last week, after day light's savings ended, I rode home in semi-darkness. Only few points of the ride were truly scary, but it gives one pause. It is easier for me to request bike lights as a gift - something practical that I need and would use. If I purchase the set myself, I make a commitment - in my mind - to use them, ride in the dark more often. And I don't know if I'm ready for that. Aha!

So, you see why spending money to be Fingerprinted is a big step for me. It is a real commitment to the process of Adoption.

But, I know this is our path because obstacles jump in front of us whenever we take a step. Three months ago, the day after we started reading through the application requirements, we received a 20 day notice to vacate, throwing us into a tailspin of house-hunting on an impossible schedule. That crisis was averted - Praise be to God - but the steps (and therefore challenges) have only begun.

Last night, several issues tried to stop us from going down to the Police Station. First of all, Bryce came home late - not his fault, but it happened. We had 20 minutes to eat and get out the door...which we accomplished, but then, in haste to clean up, a sauce bottle dropped to the floor, spilling glass and tastiness all over the floor - another 5 minutes gone. I quietly cursed Satan for so obviously getting in the way.

Fingerprinting is only offered at specific times; we had 20 minutes left. We sped down the hill to the station. The whole building was dark, but it's the Dark Season in Seattle these days, when the sun sadly goes down before 5pm, so I didn't worry. Three cars were parked in the lot. The front door was open, but not the second security door. The window was closed - they closed early! I was disappointed. It takes me awhile to work up the courage to take steps like this one...and not completing the step is a let down.

Even after writing the date three times during the day, hearing special Veteran's programs on NPR, reading FB friends grateful statements to those who serve our country, I did not remember it was a holiday until my small group members pointed it out!

Foiled this time - but, next week is coming...

A Hole In Our Gospel: Chapters 9 & 10 (2 of many)

Imagine (this shouldn't be too hard for any of you) the media and government frenzy resulting from the crash of a passenger jet in the United States, killing all 220 aboard. You've likely been through the experience of observing that situation from afar at least once in your life.

Now imagine a day in which 100 airliners crash, killing 22,000 passengers in a single day. That's a big leap, but not quite out of the realm of imagination. It's the stuff that apocalyptic movies make their money on - the unreal experience of widespread death, destruction and chaos that lies just at the edge of the imaginable.

Finally imagine this catastrophe occurring every single day, each year. This is not the product of some sadistic crack-pot novelist. This is real life - yesterday, today, and tomorrow - for children living in poverty. This is tragedy in its most epic proportions.

That's my synopsis of Richard Stearn's illustration in Chapter 9. The depth of the tragedy is literally incomprehensible. Stearns aptly quotes Flannery O'Connor saying "The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it." And he also quotes Bono who says (his emphasis): "Fifteen thousand people dying needlessly every day from AIDS, TB, and malaria... This is Africa's crisis. That it's not on the nightly news, that we do not treat this as an emergency - that's our crisis."

Stearns goes on to ask: "So why does the crash of a single plane dominate the front pages of newspapers across the world while the equivalent of 100 planes filled with children crashing daily never reaches our ears? Perhaps one reason is that these kids who are dying are not our kids; they're somebody else's."

He doesn't point an accusatory finger, in fact he owns up to his own inability to cope with the overwhelming statistics, admitting that it takes only a few weeks for himself to become numb to the problem after returning from the depths of poverty in Africa. In Chapter 10 he explains the difficulty of these overwhelming statistics:

... that very statistic, so critical to our understanding of the extent and urgency fo the plight of the world's children, also begins to obscure the humanity, the dignity, and the worth of each of those children. It takes away their names, and their stories, homogenizes their personalities, and cheapens the value of each individual child, created in the very image of God. Statistics can become... just one more way to walk by on the other side of the road.

Stearns references a university study which performed behavioral experiments showing that the story of one child was more compelling than the suffering of millions, asking "Was it not this flaw in our human character that allowed the holocaust and the Rwanda genocide to occur?"

I too feel deeply flawed in my inability to care for the nameless millions suffering on this earth. I may not be able to accomplish much on my own, but I will accomplish absolutely nothing if I don't let this truth form my beliefs and behaviors.

Receiving a Complement Takes Effort (WIL, 4)

    Recently, I was complemented as a contented woman. Even as the giver of this gift said the words, a small, knowing smile crossed my face. I know myself better than she does. I know that I continue to fight the hard battle, pursuing contentment. My journey is far from over. I doubt every day, sometimes every hour. And yet, refusing her gift of subjective truth is insulting to her and stagnating for me. Keep moving, keep pushing out of the comfort zone.
    One of the training modules in the Stephen Ministry curriculum is on assertiveness. Each trainee receives a list of the class members' names. Each trainee lists one thing they admire about each classmate and shares it at the next meeting - in front of everyone. I haven't seen so much blushing going on since high school youth group. But, each rose to the challenge of graciously accepting a shower of nine complements. Although the specifics of long lost to my memory, I will not forget the lesson and its importance. It is better to give than to receive, but receiving has it's own virtue.
    It's a long road to learn contentment. I've found there are many pieces to it and that it comes all along the journey, not just in one piece or at the end. Will I trust God and His promises today? Will I choose to believe Him and not just in Him? (Beth Moore makes a lasting distinction between the two in her study, Believing God.) This first step is essential for me. The next step is to staunchly remind myself every time I need reminding.
    The step I'm learning right now is to be open to what God has for me and whatever form it takes. It's a huge challenge for me because I like to control my life, my environment, my time. Yet in choosing God as my Father, I'm choosing to let Him decide what's best for me, when, where, and how. When I'm weak, He's strong - do I really believe that?? That's the crux of the challenge.
    I'm reminded of my pastor's recent sermon. He speaks the hard truth: Paul says to the Roman Church, God does not give effort points. Saying you follow Him doesn't count. Doing church-y things doesn't count. God is about transforming our entire beings. He longs for us to become more like Him. The only way I can see to follow is to decide to believe and then go where He leads.

                 "I will take it Lord, all you have to give..." (third day song)

Philippians 4:12-13

¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.