Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Thankful Heart

"Don't fritter away precious moments by dwelling on hardships - 
moments that become spoiled, spent, or sullied. 
Instead GIVE THANKS in all things,
as that is the will of God. 
Go back over the last few days and think of the things that have happened in your life,
thanking God for them"  (Amish Peace)


1 hearing stories of healing done in Community, by God
2 husband hazel eyes seeing me with Compassion
3 application ready for signing, sending
4 hot showers, hot teas
5 pea and radish seeds sprouting
6 rain that soaks the ground, making weeds easier to pull up
7 crunchy peanut butter, sweet and filling
8 homemade tomato sauce with pasta and squeaky green beans
9 dog cuddled in fleece
10 women who accept me, learning who I am slowly
11 music of Truth, singing along
12 breaks in the rain, riding home
13 money for compost, garden
14 prayers of others that lift me
15 praying for others to lift them
16 public radio stories
17 condo showings
18 knitting 
19 fresh yogurt
20 easy Orientation quiz, allowing me to skip a 4-hour class
21 new herb starts, happy pots full
22 laughter-filled emails
23 finishing a book, 5 more waiting for its place
24 poetry
25 someone else paying the plumber, sink fixed
26 free nights with Beloved
27 check marks on my list
28 dripping forest, freshening the air
29 working body, enabling me to do so many things
30 forgiveness, help, grace, love

Thursday, March 24, 2011

RRS Faith Story

I grew up with Jesus in my house. My father was in his sixth year as an American Baptist Minister when I was born, 1979. We lived in a small farming town in south-central Idaho, Castleford. My parents were providing for three foster boys at the time of my arrival, so the house was full. To see the pictures and slides from that time, you wouldn't suspect how much Dad was working or the stress my mother felt with a houseful of prepubescent boys and a new infant. That craziness only lasted a short time though. The boys' mother came back for them and we moved on to another church home.


I started school and learned how to read. When my parents told me I would have a sibling, I prayed for a baby sister instead of a brother. (One of my friends had a younger brother and he was always doing annoying 'boy' things.) Early in the morning, November 1, 1985, my sister was born. I rejoiced that she shared my gender.


After another move, I made my first best friend, received a 10-speed bike to ride to 3rd grade classes, and memorized the books of the Bible in order at VBS. Mr. Robinson was my first male teacher; he was kind and a very good listener. I remember reading the gospels of John and Matthew with Dad before bed out of my first real Bible, the Good News version with a shepherd on the cover. My parents were so proud when I recited the Bible books in order. I still use this knowledge every time a pastor says, 'turn to the Book of....'Those times set the stage for my love of Scripture and my attitude of looking to God for guidance and comfort.


Mom was always singing and teaching us praise songs, the words and promises from Scripture etching on my heart. To this day, I cannot help but sing those portions that I learned first in songs.


Fourteen months after we started pastoring that church, we were asked to leave. Some very powerful church lay leaders had been communicating all along with a different pastor. He wasn't available when the position opened up, so they accepted my family, but never mentioned that the assignment was temporary in their minds. My father was devastated by the betrayal. It was a large, but final straw – we left the pastorate.


Just before we moved, I asked to be baptized. We talked about it at home and the next time Dad gave an altar call, I went.  Recently, I heard that my parents hadn't decided whether it was the right place for me to show my step of Faith and were surprised that I came forward. But, I think it was God – He knew I would need that seed of Faith for the coming years. If I had not been baptized, years would pass before I had another opportunity. [If I had not been baptized, the turbulent years ahead would circumvent other opportunities. ]


We moved to Washington State, where my parents' first pastorate had been. My mother found a Presbyterian Church close to our home and we started attending, but Dad only came once in awhile for several years after his traumatic exit from ministry.


The next two years were some of my life's hardest. My Dad was shaken to his core and at his weakest when his junior-high girlfriend sauntered back into his life. We were still unpacking the moving van when she waltzed up the driveway and created havoc. Two years later, we started putting life back together. Mom clung to her hope in God, knowing and asserting that God would take care of us. Her ardency embedded seeds of Faith in me and I leaned on my Heavenly Father, the most Faithful One. (God brought great fruit from those hard time and my family's choices; my faith would not be where it is without those painful experiences. Not every wound is healed, but I pray we will continue on the healing path.)

Junior-high and the beginning of high school were traumatic for me in all the normal ways. I continued to attend the youth group at Cascade Presbyterian Church, helping at events, joining the choir, and aiding at summer camps. Although the friendships were not deep, they were constant and predictable. I needed that. I could live with the steady, low-grade animosity from the girls; I got along pretty well with the boys because of my athleticism.

Sophomore year of high school, a friend and I started attending a Bible club after classes where I met the core group of friends I would have until graduation. I experienced another burst of insatiable thirst for God's Word and received my 'adult,' leather-bound Study bible for my 16th birthday.


Some churches are really good at what they do, but eventually you can out grow them. We changed churches again and I was finally ready to move on from the Presbyterian youth group. My relationship with Christ grew steadily but not fast. My academics, music, and sports commitments, as well as my first serious relationship, consumed a lot of my time.


That relationship lasted over two years of high school, although it ceased to be healthy long before that milestone. His insecurities and stubbornness pushed me deeper into myself but also underscored my uncertainty of who I really was becoming. He accused me of being wishy-washy, but he didn't realized that we fought every time I expressed an opinion different than his. I was going with the flow because it was easier at that point. Fortunately, he and the group we spent time with professed Christ, so we didn't get into much real trouble. However, it took me several relationships throughout college to figure out who I was, what I wanted to become. The damage was emotional. Thank God that my family laid the foundations for honesty and intimacy early on. My parents placed a high priority on talking about anything and everything, even if it was uncomfortable. I know that is a rare gift in families and think that it's an important trait to carry forward in my own family.


I continued in the same vein of busyness – college, sports, working on campus. College was a hard time for me – my family changed churches again, in search of a smaller youth group for my teenage sister. I attended with them, but also got wrapped up in the desire to find some independence by moving out and closer to the University. I made some friends, but not any that stuck beyond classroom chat. I started dating a guy from work who was raised Catholic. We spent a lot of time together, but after a year, I was ready to move on again. I think I was more ambitious than he was and certainly more interested in growing spiritually and mentally. He indulged me by going to church, but his faith was juvenile and I needed another growth spurt.


In September 2001, I quit my administrative job to focus on my fifth and final year at college. I transferred to the university, lost credits, fumbled around for a major, finally decided on Geography/GIS and was getting into the swing of it. In November, I took a 12hour-each-way road trip with some high school buddies and their roommates. Through circumstances, I rode in a car with the two guys I didn't know. By the time we returned to Seattle four days later, I'd made two close friends, one of which would become my husband 14 months later.


Bryce attended a small church not far from his house and I eagerly went with him. I met several other college girls right off and started meeting with the college group. Finally, another place where I could be fed by good teaching and good fellowship. Although not everything was smooth-sailing, the next year, I graduated and planned the wedding. A new women's Bible Study started on Monday evenings and life was sweet.


We got married in January 2003, busy at church groups 3-4 nights per week and on the music team most Sundays. We were challenged spiritually and pursued practical applications for what we learned.


In May 2004, we purchased a condo inbetween church and Bryce's office. Gradually, the college group members graduated, moved away, got married, and stopped meeting regularly. A few of us remained, but the other groups at church were established and we didn't have an easy place to transition into. Worship pastors turned over a few time and for all the Senior Pastor's pomp about raising up new leaders, we did not get the leadership training we asked for. We eventually left that dying church. It took us six months to land at a larger-than-desired new community, but the teaching was exceptional and we found a small group that is still part of our lives four years later.


BCC exploded in attendance. We got involved with the music team again, but after 18 months, the group never developed cohesiveness. In the spring, the decision was made for us that we would leave the team – another church wound. Just one of these two very hurtful rubs with church leadership could have convinced some to never come back to the Church. And they darkened my hope and countenance for awhile...but God is a Healer and He is the reason I go back. When His people witness to His mighty acts of compassion and provision in their lives, nothing else is so encouraging to my spirit. I believe deeply that we are made for Relationship with God and with others. I adopt that belief so deeply that I continue to go to church. I have left those hurtful communities, but after another year of searching, we finally found a church home that seems to be growing in the paths God has led us in over the last five years – social justice, compassion, enjoying the moments/details/diversity of life, pursuing Him and others, blessing others with the blessings God has given us.


Since my married life began, I have walked with God in more regular intimacy, finding that writing prayers in journals focuses my heart and gives me tangible evidence of His answers and fingerprints. I started volunteering with a hunger relief organization on a weekly basis in 2007 and continue to go regularly (as of 2011). In addition to a new Bible Study group and two small groups (from different churches), I continue to be a Stephen Minister, since 2008.


Stephen Ministry is the best way God uses me right now. In two years, I have been privileged to come alongside two women, walking with them through deep times of loss, grief, and fear. Many times I was speechless at the heartache they endured and could only pray that they would be sensitive to the Father's presence and great love for them, trusting that His healing would come. And it was amazing to watch its relentless approach.


Along with Stephen Ministry, another deep influence on my spiritual life has been one girlfriend. We have met almost every week for over six years now. We share everything and have experienced highs and lows with each other, other relationships, and with God. We remind each other of the hope we share in Christ and process through the joys and sorrows of this life, struggling to keep an eternal perspective, and encouraging each other. I'm so thankful for such a sister in Christ. I know my growth would have been slower and tougher without her.


Finally, I come to where I am now. Several ideas combined in my mind to bring adoption to the fore-front. First of all, adoption allows me to evade pregnancy. I am deeply afraid of the physical changes pregnancy, and its aftermath, ensue. My genetics predispose me to a food addiction and diabetes and I keep myself on a short-leash. Gaining weight and not being able to lose it is terrifying. It is much easier for me to maintain, to stay where I am, to resist the uncertainty of change. God has used my husband to heal parts of my flawed body-image, but I am still very much a work in progress. Only recently have I come to a marginal acceptance of a possible pregnancy. I am worried that by the time I'm ready, it might be too late physically.


Second, God embedded His adoption of me into His family down in my spirit's core. He made a way, although deeply painful, to be with me. I wonder why Love always has to involve such pain. But that is what makes it Amazing and awe-inspiring. I believe that He calls every Christ-follower to walk in His steps. Adopting others into the family, treating neighbors as yourself, doing justly by the foreigner – these are all characteristics of God and His calling for His people. If I am to model Christ in compassion and mercy, it makes sense to also follow Him in bestowing grace (something undeserved) onto another. My husband and I both sense that direction for us. Our unity brings increasing certainty of the path.


Thirdly, my family-in-law already includes an nontraditional mix of parentage and marriages. I feel that those children are loved deeply regardless of whether the both biological parents are in the picture or not. My parents-in-law do an excellent job deliberately loving all their grandchildren.


Finally, my spiritual gifting of Compassion brings: sensitivity to the lost, the needy, the broken. My life with God, and Scripture, teaches me that He is the champion of the weak and the vulnerable. Although I cannot save the world, He has and is faithful to work out His salvation. This calling of adopting a child is easier to grasp than pregnancy, but scarier also. It is way too big for me and my husband. We are keenly aware that we cannot do it alone. It's easy to think that biological parenting is all up to you as the parents. It's easy to put all the pressure on yourself; it's your fault and you have to pay the consequences (the hard work of parenting) now. But adoption is a choice – a crazy choice. And I am not a crazy person, except when I think of how crazy-in-love with me God is. And then I get a little more courageous.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

First Response

A group I'm in is struggling through a book, Amish Peace, by Suzanne Woods Fisher. Although there are some 'simple wisdom[s] for a complicated world,' my critical-thinking group has tired of its oversimplification.  However, today, starting the section on Forgiveness, I stumbled on some meat.

The first few chapters tell stories of unfortunate and, some, avoidable tragedies: the West Nickel Mines School shooting in October 2006 and various car v. buggy crashes. The Amish response to these tragedies was opening their arms, accepting all of those who were touched by it, not retreating into themselves or their community. How challenging.

My first response to hurt is to withdraw because of the pain, which may hold the one who hurt me hostage – especially if I never explicitly forgive her. Perhaps the Amish community-oriented lifestyle allows them to reach out because they live in a supported/secure environment. They never doubt the existence of a loving God (p. 153). [That's different.]

Talking with a friend yesterday, I reasserted my belief that we must allow the emotions of Grief to flow out – or else they will stay wedged in our hearts for too long, becoming toxic. Anger, frustration, and sadness can plant seeds of Doubt in the heart. Doubt in the existence of a loving God, doubt in His Truth and provision, doubt in our acceptance/adoption/inheritance as His beloved children.

All that I staunchly believe. But, I know that everyone grieves differently. I know that we are not trained in how to grieve. Our society does not want to acknowledge Grief as a part of Life, and so it ignores it as long, and as much, as it can. So, we must learn how to grieve while we are in grief, which extends the process.

“We just have to keep going on with life” (p. 154). True. Reality will not change, no matter how much we wish it would. Moving on is necessary. But I think moving on in a healthy way requires letting go of those emotions, which means working through them.

The Expectations I put on life are some of the toughest things to let go. I want to believe that I won't experience tragedy. [The reality is that I will.] I want to believe that my needs will be met. [The reality is that I am already Needy.] I want to believe that life will be smooth-sailing. [The reality is that rough seas are ahead.] I must hold to God as my Rock in the calm and in the storm. The whole Testament pounds the reality of His Faithful Pursuit into my heart. Every time Israel failed, God took them back. Every time I fail, He is waiting. Taking all my emotions to my Father helps me struggle through what I feel, what I don't understand, what I don't like.

Do I hold onto the belief that out of tragedy will come blessing? (p. 157).

[Do I Trust Him that much?]



Friday, March 04, 2011

Brunch Bites: Savory Muffin Review

Borrowing a friend's favorite cooking magazine, I had to try this muffin recipe. It was one of the Runners-up in the 2008 contest.

I always make some sort of brunch item for Saturdays and was intrigued by the author's assertion: “These muffins make a meal on their own.” And they are very good, although a bit too greasy [must be the sausage, duh!]. They stored well, and I loved the chewy, hearty texture enhanced by the pepper and onion. One could easily add ¼ c shredded carrot, too.

Country Sausage and Cheddar Muffins
original recipe by: Pamela Shank, WV
Makes 12 Muffins

8oz bulk sausage meat
2 c all-purpose flour
3 Tbsp sugar
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
[1 tsp salt]
[6 Tbps butter, cut to 1/2-inch pieces]
8oz cheddar cheese, cut to 1/2-inch pieces
½ red bell pepper, seeded, finely chopped
½ onion, finely chopped
1 lg egg
¾ c buttermilk

  1. Adjust oven rack to middle position and heat oven to 375 degrees. Grease and flour 12 muffin cups, or tin. Cook sausage over medium heat, breaking up until browned, about 5 minutes. Transfer to paper towel-lined plate and cool.
  2. Pulse flour, sugar, baking powder and soda, cheese, pepper, onion, and cooled sausage in food processor until mixture resembles coarse meal; transfer to bowl. Whisk egg and buttermilk in measuring cup; stir into flour mixture until combined.
  3. Spoon batter into muffin cups/tin and back until toothpick comes out clean, 20-25 minutes. Cool 5 minutes in cups/tin, then transfer to rack. Cool another 10 minutes, if you can wait.

Notes and Modifications:
The original recipe added 1 tsp salt and 6 Tbsp butter into the flour mixture in step 2. While I made the recipe to spec the first time [always a good idea to know where you're starting], Bryce and I wondered why additional fat was necessary when it's a sausage and cheese muffin. So...

  • I would increase the buttermilk another ¼ cup to account for the missing butter. The two main ingredients have enough fat already to moisten the dough. However, if it is too dry, you could incorporate 1 Tbsp olive oil at a time until the consistency is right.
  • I would omit the salt also because the sausage and cheese usually have enough on their own. I saw no need to put it in [less sodium in the diet is always better.]

I just picked up some dried apricots at the store today, so another Runner-up recipe is on tomorrow's menu: Choco-Apricot Muffins by Joyce Hart, MN. Yum!

A Tea Treat Review

Usually I follow recipes closely the first time. Call me pedantic, but I like to know where I'm starting before I let my creative streak run wild. Breads can be finicky and I more often hesitate when modifying their recipes than with general cooking. But, I knew these would work. They are small changes, but possibly cut the fat a bit without cutting the soft pound-cake consistency and flavor. And I got rave reviews, [good enough reason to share them here].

Lemon Tea Bread
original recipe by: America's Test Kitchen, Family Baking Book
[my modifications in brackets or notes at the end]
Makes: one 8-inch loaf

1 ¾ c all-purpose flour
½ tsp baking powder
[½ tsp baking soda]
½ tsp sea salt
8 Tbsp (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
1 1/3 c sugar [red. By 1/3 c]
2 Tbsp fresh grated lemon zest
3 lg eggs [can sub just whites]
¼ c whole milk [½ c buttermilk instead]
2 tsp fresh lemon juice [increase to taste]

[Glaze (from: Better Homes & Gardens cookbook)
2 Tbsp lemon juice
1 Tbsp sugar
Raw sugar for sprinkling]

  1. Adjust oven rack to the middle position and heat oven to 325 degrees. Grease and flour a 8 1/2-inch by 4 1/2-inch loaf pan. [I used the standard size, 9-inch by 5-inch; the loaf only rises to half the height.]
  2. Whisk the flour, salt, baking powder and soda in a medium bowl. Beat the butter, sugar, and zest together in a large bowl on medium speed until light and fluffy, 3 – 6 minutes. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, until combined, about 30 seconds each. Beat in the flour mixture, milk and lemon juice until just combined, about 20 seconds (do not over mix).
  3. Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and smooth the top. Bake until golden brown and a toothpick comes out with just a few crumbs attached, 65 – 75 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through baking.
  4. Let loaf cool in the pan, 10 minutes. [Brush glaze over the top. Sprinkle raw sugar on for slight crunch.] Turn out onto a wire rack and let cool one hour before serving.

Notes and modifications:
  • Use 3 egg whites instead of whole eggs – this is what I had on hand, leftover from another recipe.
  • Substitute buttermilk for whole milk. Increase to ½ c to compensate for substituting egg whites for whole.
  • Add ½ tsp baking soda to interact with the buttermilk.
  • Increase lemon juice to 4- 6 Tbsp, to taste. I only had 1 Tbsp of zest out of 2 lemons, so I increased the juice to compensate.
  • Cut sugar by 1/3 c because of sugary glaze and topping.

Like most quick breads, this loaf should freeze well, if it sticks around long enough to sneak into the freezer.